listen to your life

 

"Listen to your life.

See it for the fathomless mystery that it is....

Touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart

of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace."

 

Frederick Buechner

 

 

Lately I have been  practicing the art of remembering.

It has proven to be laden with unexpected gifts.

  Out of the blue I was recently flooded with the light of a person I met in junior high school,

Judy Hardy, amazing that I can recall her name all these years later.

It suddenly occurred to me

that when I raised my hand to offer what I thought for many years

was an act of compassion on my part,

was a generous gift from Judy, that would surface years later

to grace my life when I needed it most.

Judy was part of a new state regulation

that allowed severely disabled students to attend a few classes a week at a regular school.

I sat in a class surrounded by my peers as our teacher asked

if any one would volunteer to walk a handicapped student to their next class;

before the bell and inevitable rambunctious crowds.

The room was abnormally still, filled with an impossible void.

I raised my hand.

No one knew what to expect when Judy arrived the next day,

walking on her toes in huge awkward jerking movements, somehow smiling radiantly.

  Judy had cerebral palsy.

Her speech was severely effected, her gait wild and spastic,

she drooled, wore a bib,

and in spite of all this,

was thrilled at the prospect of joining our English literature class.

That girl found a place in all our hearts,

fighting against flailing arms to get her hand up to answer a question,

the painful time it took to cut words from her brilliant mind

and offer them against gravity to the startled air.

She was really something.

Bold courage in spite of the body she was forced to dwell in,

pure grace.

I got to know her more on our solo walks between classes.

She was seriously bright, optimistic, with an amazing out look on life.

The next year I moved on to high school and lost track of Judy.

She would unexpectedly return in my dreams or passing thoughts

and I would stop in my carefree active life from time to time

to wonder what became of her.

I was an adult when the effects of Pompe  began to rear its ugly head.

While I accept my fate

and spend much of my life dedicated to a brighter future for those with rare diseases,

I find myself …

waiting and allowing others to walk before me,

subtly disguising my awkward gait under the guise of politeness.

 as my difficulties became more pronounced

I began letting go of many enjoyable activities,

preferring not to face the awkwardness of loss.

I know.

I travel, I speak in front of large audiences

and openly share my story

but when faced with family gatherings

I choose to read a book in the shade of shame

rather then enter the pool where everyone is enjoying their

gloriously healthy bodies.

I choose to keep my disabilities fully clothed,

 try desperately to remain unnoticed in a crowd.

I am fiercely positive and proactive yet 

I have fallen so miserably short when facing my own physical losses.

Common sense and my husband have been tapping me on the shoulder

for years to begin aqua therapy

but the fear of being seen, exposed in a mere bathing suit and

the embarrassment of things gone awry has been insurmountable.

I have avoided what has been in my best interest

out of embarrassment until the fear of losing my balance became larger than my shame.

Finally I picked up the phone and committed to an interview with a physical therapist.

I walked through the gym

and I was immediately surrounded with people confronting their disabilities

working on a positive future.

It’s been two months since I placed my clothes

and my inhibitions in a cubbie and entered the pool.

That one leap of courage has changed me in ways I had never imagined.

I descended the stairs into the warm water and began in earnest

with my physical therapist guiding me through a program designed to strengthen even my weakest muscles.

I knew I would work in earnest to perfect each exercise,

to make each and every repetition count, I knew my muscles would respond,

improvements would be made.

What I did not realize was how it would also exercise my ability

to move beyond inner obstacles.

Being buoyant in the water gives me back a memory of life before the destruction of Pompes.

I float weightlessly happy, move unencumbered, I jump up and down and run,

seriously I can RUN in the water!!!!!

  I execute each exercise with balance and grace.

Relieved from gravity I am whole and capable again.

  I have not felt such utter freedom in my physical body in countless years!

Finally entering the water has interrupted a decade of clumsy heaviness,

where every movement is wrought with struggle,

simply standing up from a chair, a marathon effort.

I have been brought back to a carefree experience of being in the world.

Every time I return to the pool I am lifted from the enormity of my cumbersome body

and set free again.

My orientation of the world and living has been transformed.

Who knew this kind of remembering could change your life?

One day after beginning aqua therapy

I was driving to work and a favorite song came on the radio.

I turned it up, and suddenly

I was one of those carefree people you see in a passing car

singing loudly with wild abandon.

  I realized it had been a long time since I had such a spontaneous moment of easy joy.

And suddenly Judy flooded my memory.

She was smiling and radiant, forever whispering

“Step outside your limitations, don't let fear stop you from following your passion,

open the door, life is waiting for you!”

***

Comments

[leslie]

This brought tears of joy to my eyes.

[gloria]

Oh my Rebecca. How I was with you in these moments of reading your words. I was in that water with you, fancy free and get out of my way attitude please, I'm coming through. How wonderful that you are setting your spirit free as you are. Hey, I was singing with you in that car too, I've done it many times. Thank you amiga, for your special words of inspiration for everyone really. God Bless You.

[annie]

I've had two moments of grace and courage today. The first was the story of Hajime, a 17 year old boy in the late stages of ALS, and now, you and your brilliant story of having the courage to step away from your fears and the memory of the one who walked before you doing the same thing. God Bless you.

[Ms. Moon]

I am listening to this- your life. I am humbled.

[Karen Gerstenberger]

Thank you for sharing your joy in this great new therapy. I am thrilled for you, for your body and your spirit! What a great tribute to the interactions with your friend from long ago.

[olivia]

Brave Rebecca, you inspire me! I am so glad that you have moved forward in this way. If we only could remember that it is always so freeing when we face our fears and move beyond our inner obstacles. Thank you for sharing this with us...So much love, Olivia

[Noelle]

Rebecca,
Your story of Judy and your time with her lifted my heart. Even as a young girl, your compassion for others and your ability to truly see them was so deeply present. I have no doubt that your friendship and influence brought out the very best in her. Your deepening journey within this new world of aquatic liberation and the depth of courage and openhearted desire you have had to overcome obstacles that have tethered your spirit for so long are truly transformative for all who know you and love you. Your last words, those that Judy might have spoken, were especially meaningful to me, “Step outside your limitations, don't let fear stop you from following your passion,open the door, life is waiting for you!” I shall remember those words in the coming days as I continue to work and write.
Much Love xoxo,
Noelle

[Elizabeth]

Oh, you know how much I love this story -- beautiful mermaid --

[Sue Fox]

Water is healing in many ways, I'm so glad you have found a relief from your struggles by overcoming fear and finding new ways to lighten your life. When I go to my gym I see some older ladies just walking in water one carries oxygen support, they are an inspiration, as are you!

Sue x

[lyle baxter]

Water is wonderful stuff isnt it! I am happy to read that it is doing wonders for you. Keep up the good work and enjoy your water world.And dont ever feel alone. we all have things we'd rather not show the world!

[Spadoman]

Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece of your life that tells of triumph, learning, forgiveness and acceptance. I believe assessments such as these are answers to prayers. They come on a different time schedule than we would like, yet they come.
I do good in the pool as well. Amazing how we can do things in water that we wouldn't even attempt on land. There has to be a connectionn withn the Earth Mother and our own Mother, comforting and protecting.
Peace, Love and Hugs to you dear friend.

[Kim Mailhot]

Tears are rolling down my face here as I share your joy, Beautiful One. And I am remembering that the same bravery and strength that you used to get to the water, and that Judy used to walk down that hall are in me...
I love you so. Float, swim, be your beautiful self in that water. I get such joy imagining you there !

[Sherry Smyth]

What a beautiful recounting of memories and life. I often say that one person's story is another person's gift and I'm reading this in what you are sharing. Kudos to you for taking back your life, taking back your joy and moving forward without inhibition. Thank you for reminding us that the only thing that holds us back if ourselves, our fears and our quite often needless vanity...because without our vanity windows and doors simply fly open. I'm grateful to Kim Mailhot for guiding me here today.

[somepinkflowers]

{{ oh
i am so touched by
this
sharing
i can say nothing
right now

nothing

at

all

except
how fine life Truly is }}

[Carmen]

beautiful mermaid you!
abrazos

[Betty]

Dear Brave Soul,
I come to you by kind suggestion of Sherry of Indigo Girl. Words fail me and all I can do is commend your bravery, not only to move forward in spite of what you face, but also to share it so that we may all find another reminder of how precious everyone's life is, no matter how hard the struggle.

Bless you.

Betty

[Magical Mystical Teacher]

Somehow Judy knows--and shares--your joy!

[Kate]

Rebecca,
This is simply a beautiful story. I was overjoyed for you when you talked about entering the water. Having a water sign at my birth I have always loved and craved being in the water. I will now think of you when I am at the pool.

Hugs,
Kate

[Deb]

I am so grateful that Kim Mailhot directed me to this blog. I sit here, quiet and teary, thinking what a brave, strong woman you are. I have never met you, never read your blog before yet your writing touches me deep inside. You write from the heart and reach the heart of your readers. Take care.

[lynne]

yes, you mermaid hummingbird...

just have no words, except

love....

xoxo

[miss pie]

thank you ever so much for sharing your story.... shame is such a sorry awful feeling keeping one hidden from others.. so happy to see your boldness in stepping out and believing in a more beautiful tomorrow that lays waiting for each one of us... your joy is our joy... surrounded by water is like.. heavenly whether just floating or running...

[Stephanie]

oh my sweet friend,
I am smiling! with tears in my eyes...

thinking of you running and jumping

and letting yourself BE.

like that Monarch butterfly, a beautiful soul.
x..x